i really wish that someone would actually come and save me from all these death wishes, wish that i was at least better. wish that i could at least teach my sister what everything meant, it's like i feel so stupid and demoralized.
im so stupid and rude and irritating.
sulky, sucky and idiotic daughter

you suck like shit. why dont you just go and die. maybe i should fall of a railing. i want to die. i really want to die. and yet, i just can't.

you suck so much, you stupid asshole. why dont i just die.
and yet.

i don't feel like living.
there's no meaning anymore

i thought i had it all, and then i lost everything. falling through those meaningless pits of despair. sucks. why can't i have a mother that adores me and support me for whatever i do? i am not going to throw my whole life away, and can't anyone see that i'm trying so hard just to succeed and get into the top 8 for nationals. it's not enough, it's not good enough, what are you doing? what are you bloody doing? you suck. i suck. these are the times where i try hard to cry to give release to the pent up anger and despair that are currently overwhelming. nothing. no tears. totally dry. im a heartless freak.

i can't pay for my bass lessons. even if i starve myself, which i am fully planning to do, and dont eat for the entire month, im still about 30 bucks short of the fees. i think im becoming increasingly depressed because of her. why can't she support me and love me for what i really am, what i am good in. what are you good in anyway? the guitar? your guitar teacher says that you totally suck. sports? throws, taekwondo, tennis? sucker, you were never good enough. studies? you can't even teach your sister. how pathetic is that? i have never regarded you as my daughter during times where you don't self mutilate. well, in fact, why are you not all grown up and making money for me yet? then again, i suck. i thought music was my life, in the end nothing was achieved. dont you know? you bloody suck, tone-deaf idiot.

so many insults, why am i not crying yet. why do i just wallow in self pity? what am i doing. sucks. maybe i should just PROVE it to her that i am more successful than she thinks i am.

i will prove it to her.

i will learn more things.

i will try not to crave for the attention of others
something that i'll never get.

this world feels so cold, i'm freezing and yet i can't just leave.

i can't help but have the feeling that it screwed up. the performance today i mean. and i have a feeling that it's because of me. haha i mean trevor and hamster did good, really good but i think i screwed. i don't really feel very comfortable on stage and besides i KNOW i am the most noob there. coz the others went for at least THREE MONTHS worth of lessons, and i, the amazing liuliu-SAMA went for... 3 band practices. yay i rawk. three lessons and i know how to play a bass. nvm, what the others say, im going to be SUPER good and prove that i am better than most people. i would like to believe that i have a talent for playing the guitar. the keyword is: would like to. because haha actually it's no talent. ohwells back to topic.

the others bands were FAB. especially the vocal teacher. haha her voice is love~ its really good. ohwells.

actually was quite happy that chang-e ran all the way down here just to support us! YAY~ thanks chang-e!! (even though you won't see this.) ohman, chang-e was very nice! haha, i hope she wasn't really disappointed. she said that it was awesome, but i can't really believe that. still YEP chang-e rawks.
=\
haha look at that, even my SENIOR is better than my family members. blah, the feeling sucks when hamster's father came down just to watch them and then you know that your mom and dad are at home doing NOTHING, but just refuse to give you support because they do not believe in the guitar.

even colette came down =_=
colette who hasn't seen me in dunno how many trillion years came down.
we went to play arcade after i performed and we watched a few performances... =)
yay lette rawks.

BASS LESSONS ON MONDAY!

hello world. it's back to hello world.

the days go by as i train and play and do stuff that are super not related to school. and now the holidays are ending, and i am suddenly awaken. what did i do for the entire holiday? perhaps a little of math, BUT what else did i do? i promised myself that I'll study bio like crap this holiday but in the end, nothing was accomplished. i just don't get what is happening to the leaf when it photosynthesizes. or even the parts of the leaf. i think im stupid. and there's nothing to it. sometimes, i'll try to go study chemistry. nothing comes out of it because i am simply too lazy and uninterested in schoolwork. well, i like learning stuff at my own pace, which is not very fast and definitely slower than school's pace. but i don't like studying. what is the point of studying so hard when in the future i might not even use the information that learnt here? learning stuff is good, because all these new things that we read about, look up on the net, or listen from the teacher intrigue us, make us want to know more. but it's the exams that makes me loose so much interest in school. who knows what happened, i remember i used to love school and everything. something broke and now it has all became like that. a few drops of interest rolling down the edges of an empty beaker, touching the bottom and disappearing, nothing is retained, nothing is used. i should try to put in more effort to gain interest in the topics that i'm learning now. lets just brainwash myself that THE LEAF is the best subject that one can ever learn about.

i wonder what others think when they glance at my blog. or when they actually read the posts that i type. i wonder if they think that i'm some wannabe who knows nothing and tries to act as if she knows everything. i wonder if they feel as if i'm an irritating git because i post depressive posts at least three quarters of the time. this blog used to be here for the reason of venting my emotions and at that time i didn't really care who read or what people felt about how i vented my feelings on the blog. then it changed. i've change. am i really a wannabe who can't even SPEAK or TYPE or THINK properly. i should think about it.

on a lighter note,
there was 比賽 yesterday and for the qualifying round, all of us at the shot put area qualified (threw above 7.5m) within ONE throw! haha yay! the shot put club rawks! hmm there was no question that zexin can pass so all of us didn't really worry about her. chang-e also. haha i was worried for myself, but in the end whee. orh, most people were quite worried for claire, because she is quite inconsistent. BUT TO OUR PLEASANT SURPRISE, she just hop hop and the WHEE the ball was thrown out with very great force and it reached 8+ O_O haha claire's power seems to be in a good mood that day. another person that we were quite worried for is sherah coz her throws normally are about 6+, but it touched 7.5 =)
and for the finals, we all did well! at least i thought so. but i didn't reach my goal of throwing to 9m.
orh there are scary people at the discus side, minx was more or less normal but the rest, ros, 27+?, peilih 26+?, and sherah (scary person! judging that she's only SEC 1) 23+. it's madness.

performance tomorrow. today we had practice with dragon at the music place in the morning (well, after training). i was searching for places that would fix the guitar but in the end, no where would do it. i must ask sy where did her friend get the guitar. haha. oh ya. after that i met up with hamster and trevor to go to the music place. we did the song for him to listen, (with vocals and everything) and he told us that we sounded nice. and he subconsciously hinted that we were one of the better bands. O_O helloooooo, i have a bad feeling that I AM tone deaf and he thought it sounded wonderful? =( maybe hamster sounded very nice. hamster's voice is very nice. trevor's is as nice when (quoting hamster) he does not act man. haha and i suck ohwells. im worried about tomorrow.

haha. today nothing much happened.

i woke up in the morning, (if you can still say it's the morning), at about 8.45 =\ HAHA i think all the j1 snrs were already out there 比賽-ing. such a late riser LOL. i woke up with a tortured and painful body. okay i was wrecked with muscle aches. which is not a very good thing because there'll be a mock competition tomorrow and i really want to throw more than 8.5m. yes, so i was very worried when i woke up aching everywhere. i strongly suspect all these happened because of our dear hwang-sir. (and i bet he's relaxing at home or something now. then again, maybe he's still teaching sadistically somewhere.)

then i had chemistry tuition T.T amazing liuliu-sama. she doesnt understand anything the teacher is talking about. this is so saddening. well she does seem to understand when her teacher tells her that she is going to fail her chem soon. at least i can say that i tried to understand what chem is about and why is the quantitative analysis what it is. although i still dont get it. im becoming gong in chem too! oh no! after this there'll be no more subjects to pull my marks up anymore and my bio is going to pull all my marks down. ohno, this is very bad. i must study harder. (except, am i even working hard in the first place? maybe for bio, but haha chem never even glance at the piece of paper.) OKay, decided. i MUST work harder for the next term. beginnings are never simple.

then i traveled all the way to hamster's house for band practice. and guess what. HAMSTER'S VOICE AND TREVOR'S VOICE ARE NICE. crap, it's like so nice compared to mine. and the worst thing is that i cant sing and play at the same time. oh craaaaaaaap. i must practice super hard now.
OKAY.

learning to breathe (chorus)
im learning to breathe
learning to crawl
im finding that you and you alone can break my fall
im living again
awake and alive
im dying to breathe in these abundant skies. (x2)

learning to breathe~ (x2)
continue chorus with hamster and trevor (their nice voices T.T)

grand theft autumn (verse + connector)
when i wake up
im willing to take the chances
on the hope i forget that
you hate him more than you notice
i wrote this for you

you need him
i could be him
i could be an accident
but im still trying
that's more than i can say for him

some day i'll appreciate in value
get off my ass and call you
the meantime i'll sport my brand new fashion
of waking up with pants off at 4 in the afternoon

you need him
i could be him
i could be an accident
but im still trying
that's more than i can say for him

lets just hope that i wont screw up on that day. i dont think hamster will but im quite worried that if we play grand theft autumn, trevor would screw up on the drum beats on the verses, blah.

go toad, pinky and hamster!

i am not emo. =)

jiaoliao gave us a SUPER interesting and inspirational speech today. but i think he spoilt everything by showing us how to scream. thinking about it, i think jiaolian is a very nice guy and he likes girls more than he likes guys. and the way he says things, he makes it sounds so simple that you'll feel so inspired to go and throw your best out there. like quality over quantity. i mean yeah, it as been overused but it just sounds so super nice when jiaolian says it. HAHA ohman. and now i totally agree with wenqi. jiaolian has weird sideburns and i strongly suspect that it is connected to his beard that he shaves everywhere except for the side portion with connects to his sideburns. haha so funny ohwells. PLUS, yes i super totally agree that jiaolian can never be imagined as a young kid playing with some teddy bear or something. wahaha i am amused.

today i reached a distance of 8.46! and im feeling quite happy because this is my personal best i mean YAY. but then after looking at wenqi's and chang-e's distance i feel 自卑 again. i think it was 9.12 and 9.16 respectively. i feel sad. HAHA but nevermind. I WILL HIT NINE ON THURS. i must hit nine because the all-mighty liuliu-sama has been improving since the start of this year. and there is no time to become lousy now. JIAYOU the all-mighty liuliu-SAMA.

I am seriously getting quite nervous about saturday. i think i can't really sing and ohman, im so worried. and im darn scared that my bass would screw up or something on that day. i hope no one that knows me come and see my terrible performance on that day. but if the performance was good, haha then i also am thankful that no one came. if not so embarrassing haha. i have no idea why i agreed to playing the bass for them also. ohman i must as mr dragon to teach me how to play the bass and look like a pro while playing it. because it's rather interesting to play the bass and fake that you're a pro. like look at NI~YA. ohman look at the NOTES that he play, so super simple and how he plays it? so pro. like woah slide up and down and it looks... gorgeous. in love with the bass now. =3 maybe i would continue learning bass when im more free next year.

actually correction: im in love with those PRO bass and electric guitar players. haha
classical guitars are quite nice too =)

TAEKWONDO. i feel like killing hwang-sir. he keep suan-ing me for the ENTIRE lesson. "like some people who CANNOT split" and then the whole class turns to my direction because everytime we're doing stretching, he would take advantage of my poor super unstretchable and SIT ON MY BACK while i try my hardest to stretch as far as my stupid inflexible body would take me. after that, he would then suan me. then there would be this little argument. i dunno why im still arguing with this OLD foggy who smokes and teaches taekwondo like he's heading some military camp. go away! i know i cannot split and hahaha what on earth! i will pass my SENIOR BLACK for you to see. and i will GET FLEXIBLE. blah. i will show the old foggy wheehee. okay aim for taekwondo now: get SENIOR BLACK before 18. and kick my dear sparring opponent in the face. AND use BACK HOOK properly. go me, die old foggy. wahahahaha lol jkjk. i need the old foggy to teach me.
debating if i should go nee an poly for taekwondo training, but i heard their training is super tough. so im quite skeptical about it. hmm give me suggestions. (although i might be talking to myself here...)

i have 3 loves now.
1. R.CHORD (of course must love him! he is my first love and his guitar skills are love love love. oh my have you ever heard his tongue twisting. that's something else that i really admire.)
2. Yamapi (what can i say LOL)
3. NIGHTMARE. (wahahahaha)

i have no idea where did that just came from. (=

i really should be rushing hw now. ohwells.

WAHAHAHAHA who remembers R.CHORD. i think he looks very funny here.

teehee i have suddenly revived my love for nightmare... =\ IN LOVE with yomi's voice. so bassy.

this is an wuliao post. LOL


tadah, this is NIGHTMARE



this is YOMI! the lead singer. his pictures very difficult to find so i anyhow took this from the MV of the song レゾンデートル (Raison d'Etre) but still he looks quite nice in that MV. haha he looks the same throughout the whole song XD
ohwells he's cute with that SHHHHHHHHH thingy O_O



this is sakito, i think. not very sure of the second picture... coz just went to search google for sakito's picture. he's the lead guitarist and the songwriter for nightmare or something like that. haha its good that he doesn't pierce himself until he looks like hitsugi <3





RUKA RUKA RUKA RUKA! he looks nice while drumming.
i have NOTHING against this drummer. AND he knows how to play the bass but less pro than ni~ya but OHWELLS. i like ruka (=



this is ni~ya.
and he should teach me how to play the bass.



hitsugi with his scary piercing. second guitarist and he makes a good pair with sakito. haha ohwhee!


this is 3 of the members from nightmare, ni~ya somebody and somebody. LOL i suck.

hello world. it's been a long time since i used that phrase, hello world. haha it sounds nice again! =)

on thursday, peilih and yujie came over for a sleepover. haha, not very sure when did they decide they wanted to come to my house for a sleepover. yep but after training they went home to pack then at about 8+ we met at amk mrt. claire was supposed to come too but in the end, her mom suddenly changed her mind and decided that claire shouldn't come over to sleepover =( so sad. i think it'll be more than mad if claire comes over. XD

while going to pick them up, i passed by this pasar malam so after picking them up from the mrt, we went there to walk around haha. didn't buy anything much because it was quite boring there. almost all the stalls sold the same things. there was one more row of stalls that we apparrently didn't take notice of... UNTIL we were on the way to my house. ROAR. after walking thru the long rows of stalls and stalls. we decided to pop into the amk hub there and take a took inside. also because i had to buy some stuff for my house and we had to buy presents for claire and chang-e . oh gosh it was SUPER BIG. but since it was so late, only fairprice was open. even fairprice is super big... what on earth la. in the end we bought weird stuff and dragged everything back home. lol

we ended up watching rob-b-hood. and drinking whatever and anything. haha the movie was nice haha but so stupid. in the end we slept at 2am and woke up at late 7+ or it might be early 8+. haha. wheehee WE WENT FOR THE BBQ~ actually before that we met up with claire, chang-e, minx, and the rest before going over to carolyn's house.

i played tennis with wenqi, carolyn, elaine, minx and audrey. actually i didn't really play haha just hung out with minx for the time the rest were playing. because we kinda lost interest after a while. the tennis racquet was so short LOL at least i felt so. (talking about tennis, i better cancel the tennis lessons later, it raining and it doesn't look like it'll stop anytime soon.) haha but wenqi and audrey played really well together.
orh minx and i went to buy drinks together and the person thought we were sisters... walao.

the bbq was fun =D i didn't really do anything to help coz i was so lousy in starting up a fire, turning over food blah. lousy teehee i think. okay we ate, then WENT SWIMMING with our clothes on. lol
im too lazy to type what we did. LOL
i think we surprised claire and chang-e
at least i hope we did.
if not so SHIBAI

teehee ohwells.

lookie, nice shoes. (these are shige's shoes. i think they are nice but yihui and the others claim that i have terrible taste for liking these pair of shoes)

i realised that i was born super intelligent but after going to school for a few years, i have became stupid.

my love for linkin park has been rediscovered YAY

oh man i am so amazed. did you know that carolyn has almost the same taste as me, for music?! oh man. she likes linkin park too! so amazing. frankly im quite shocked. she even likes FACE DOWN. oh man so kewl and she likes the all american rejects! AND almost all the bands that i listen too! yay i finally found someone whose music taste is almost the same as me WOOTS. oh yes she listens to papa roach too. yay carolyn rawks.

today has been pretty normal because it consisted of training and the 2nd session of training. haha ohman do you know that you can get a nosebleed just by doing pumping. me and cheryl were training
(actually kinda slacking also coz so many shot puts and only 2 of us and one of us was =i should be nice and put it in this way= tired)
when we heard some shouting coming from the side where the guys were throwing.
"go lower!"
"walao you got no strength izzit!"
then after awhile, we got quite interested in watching the small sec 1 boy pump because i think he was the one who cried when we first went for holiday training last year. we watched him go up and down very slowly and not very properly times then suddenly he stopped. his seniors asked him something and then they suddenly shouting.
"omg you got nosebleed! walao! tissue tissue"
"walao do pumping also can nosebleed"
that caught our attention haha ohman.

i realised morning throws and better than afternoon throws and throws on friday really suck unless you never go for the other trainings earlier in the week. this is one of the times where i really wish i was METAL MAN then i can throw very well without tiring. teehee

something random from leewenqi (small)
"Biologists think they are biochemists, Biochemists think they are Physical Chemists, Physical Chemists think they are Physicists, Physicists think they are Gods, And God thinks he is a Mathematician."

my arrow keys are not working LOL, orh i see that they are back to normal O_O
the weird things that my computer do sometimes.

talking about weird...
this is monster.

and this is a close up.

*note the expression... quoting leewenqi (small) "looks like he's in labour..." teehee*

and this is small mr lim.


but quoting carolyn, "hes not small mr lim la, he's BIG mr lim; in a league of his own.."

Bryan is not going to sing for us. OMG

that means that the out of tune guitarist, drummer and basser and going to sing? oh no, i have a very bad feeling about this. FURTHERMORE! there is a SOLO vocal part... we can just pass away and die. hamster... orh i have just realised something. hamster is quite a good name to call hamster because her brother is called trevor and it's the toad or something in harry potter. so TADAH a little band of random little animals. we got a hamster, a toad and a rat. (=
yay so fun! im going to charge up and down hamster's stairs on monday. yay SUSPENDED stairs ohwells. best thing is that she is going to have her housewarming on sunday so when i go there on monday her house would be all warmed up for me! i am so important. haha jkjk not important at all.

teehee audrey is BACK! the mountains did nothing to her. she still looks exactly the same. i wonder when did she get the time to do some shopping for weird teeth breaking toffees haha very fun to eat. i gave one to my sister then she was like CHEW CHEW then cannot come off her teeth. the top and bottom almost got stuck together =D extremely dangerous sweets for people who have braces teehee. ohwells. happy that's she back though =)

OH MY i am very worried for the 23 of june thingy. it seems like many people are coming to watch when actually i dont wanna anyone to come and watch us! okay maybe watch me. but i hope all of them would sing XD so that our vocals won't suck so bad.

glenn lim wishes us good luck...

IM WORRIED very worried

i have rekindled my love for vivian vande velde! went to the library the other day and borrow heir apparent! so nice. i still recommand companions of the night though. that was the book that got me so hooked to her books. oh man the vampire in that story is so cool. i actually was hoping that both of them would end up together ARGH. why!
I'm saaaaaaaaaad!

Zexin is really good in shot put. and i feel so inferior and teehee i managed to throw ONE quite far ball today. if i can throw that far for nationals WITHOUT stepping out then maybe got chance to go into top 8. teehee, im actually quite prepared to be like not in top 8 although i really wanna be in top 8! i mean look, who don't wanna be in top 8, or better top 3. but ohwells, top 3 placings are reserved for people like zexin, jessica and that rgs girl. bleachxx
nevermind. i shall encourage myself. I RAWK IN SHOT PUT.

Yihui bought a yamapi poster for me! it's up in my room already! and IM deeply saddened by the recent yamapi news. haiz. who knows that he would go and do that sort of things. blaaaaah i wanna kill yamapi. orh whee shopping on wednesday! haha wonder what it'll turn out to be like. maybe we'll end up buyin weird stuff HAHAHA

yesterday i talked to soggae for one hour plus. it was scary. teehee i have refound my hidden talent of talking to people on the phone for ridiculously long hours. haha i remember the last time i talked for more than an hour was when i was pri 6. walao then that one was like almost everyday. then the phone bills shoot high high up there.
=points to somewhere roughly about the hight of the clouds floating in the sky (although like the sky is black now.. O_O)=
haha ohman. i should really watch how i talk to people on the phone next time. XD

i was given a puma belt. and a puma bag.
both are... darn girlish.
it's that type of handbag kinda thingy and the belt? dont need to talk about it.

ooo, i realised. we have quite a common thingy in hamster me and yihui.
yihui likes shige
i like yamapi
hamster likes massu
all from NEWS. teehee
although im close to abandoning yamapi T.T shocking actions.

I dreamt that i was missing
You were so scared.
But no one would listen
Coz no one else cared.
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear,
What am i leaving
When im done here?

So if you're asking me,
I want you to know

When my time comes,
Forget all the wrong i've done,
Help me leave behind some reason to be missed.
And don't resent me,
And when you're feeling empty,
Keep me in your memory,
Leave out all the rest.

Don't be afraid,
Of taking my beatings,
Of the shit behind me.
I'm strong on the surface,
Not all the way through.
I've never been perfect,
But neither have you.

So if you're asking me,
I want you to know

When my time comes,
Forget all the wrong i've done,
Help me leave behind some reason to be missed.
And don't resent me,
And when you're feeling empty,
Keep me in your memory,
Leave out all the rest.

Forgetting-
All the hurt inside you've learnt to hide so well.
Pretending-
Someone else can come and save me from myself.

I can't be who you are-

- Leave out all the rest [Linkin Park]

I feel a lot for this song haha. esp one particular verse but ohwells. that's for me to know and for you to find out. Not that i expect any of you to actually bother (=

Maybe I'll leave behind something in the future... perhaps.
jiayou me.

haha and yihui and siewying who are in their own turmoil now =3

i'm surprised at the actions of some people in the world. myself included. sometimes i scare myself. i don't even know when i'm acting and when i'm not anymore. sometimes i don't even know where my act is going to carry me to, and what is the purpose of my act. i think i have hurt people's feelings, and i'm not as good/obedient as many of you think. sometimes i think to myself what good am i bringing to this world by acting more fake than most of the people in the world, there's always no answer.

the worst thing is: i think i'm acting and yet it feels so natural. liar.

so cute =3


actually come to think about it... DBSK is not bad.