HA. this is a random post of no particular order.

PINKY and THE BRAIN will TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

pinky <3 ZIHUI XD!
pinky <3 xinyu "BWAHAHAHAHAHA"

PINKY and HAMSTER shall go to JAPAN and DEBUT.

pinky shall EAT xingxuan up
pinky shall DEVOUR mei tian lao shi

PINKY and JOMAIN will take taekwondo and SPAR.

pinky would like to hug sarah!
pinky would like to play with MS LEE SHAN2

PINKY and MOMMY shall SLEEPOVER at her house.

pinky would like to be like audrey
pinky would like to scream about J.E with yihui

=)

and ALL of US would get GOOD grades for EOYs

Remembrance
Nightmare-

aa, shiroku kasumu iki to kawaita kaze
aa, doko de kieta? aoku, uso no nai shoki joudou

yurete yureta hate ni eranda awai YUME no nare no hate

kuzureteku moro sugita suna no seishin
modorezu ni mae ni susumu koto mo dekizu
aa, itsuka kawaremasu ka?
aa, yoru ni nageita

furafura to tadori tsuita
natsukashii chiisana kouen de

yurete yureta hate ni eranda amai YUME no nare no hate

kuzureteku moro sugita suna no seishin
modorezu ni mae ni susumu koto mo dekizu
aa, itsuka kawaremasu ka?
aa, yoru ni nageita

yagate kuru, kono inochi no saigo no shunkan mo
yori ni saku, omoide dake mitsumeru
toikakeru tooki mirai no oita boku e
"kono saki ni imi wa aru no ka?"


我永遠會記得你，你永遠會在我的心裏，這次的考試都是為你而考的，我知道如果我考到了好成績你一定會很高興的。雖然你不會親眼看到我這次的好成績，我心裏知道你一定會看到的，因爲你從來沒有走過，親愛的奶奶。我真的很愛很愛你。所以我決定這次考試會為你而考，會為你而考到我在這三年中的最好成績。這都是爲了你而做的。我一定會記得你。好像對你再説一聲謝謝，謝謝你趁著那裏等待我和妹妹的到來。謝謝你為我們做出的東西，謝謝你這十五年細心地照顧我，謝謝你為我做的東西，很想看到你，對你說一聲謝謝。
奶奶我真的很愛很愛你。
所以，我決定不會哭。
我決定要堅強，我決定要為你而堅強。
我再也不會哭了，相信你是不要看到我們這麽傷心...

我愛你，
相信，
你也有愛過我。

雖然痛苦，我會堅強走下這道路。

我愛你。

The strong stench of the sterile hospital still lingers in my mind as i sit in front of this worthless machine bought with meaningless money. I still remember so vividly how we were when i jumped into the car, not knowing what was about to befall on us. it was only after english lesson with xingxuan when i happily hopped into the car. i thought this visit was going to like any other visit. of course there would be crying, but the crying is because of the fact that ahma keep making promises that she will never be able to fulfill.. i thought i would still be able to speak to her, i thought that although she wouldn't recognize me, i could still be there for her, just to let her know i'll always be there for her and im never going to go anywhere.

haiz

Can destiny be changed? i want to change my future, i want to change my past, i want to change my present. everything is collapsing, even the walls that taken years to build are crumbling down and falling apart, all my emotions are now written dutifully on my face. That strange twisted smile has fallen apart and nothing seems to glue it back together. all i wanted was to focus on my exams and study well so that i can get good grades for everyone to see, to prove everyone wrong. but fate was playing with me. Fate took a large hammer and broke down all the walls, leaving them in crumbling bits that can never be revived, fate drilled a hole in the precious mask that i've been holding onto for so long, fate snatched away everything, leaving me with nothing. nothing left. nothing to think about. nothing to cry about.

sometimes i wonder why all these things happen to people around me. sometimes i wonder why am i so fortunate to have the attention of fate, death, deceit and lies. sometimes i wonder why other people hate their lives so much when their lives are so much better. sometimes i feel like crying when i see people with their parents. sometimes i look at my own parents and think about the future. would they break away from each other, or would they remain for the sake of us and fight even more. for goodness sake, what can i do? i think my mom has a boyfriend outside, and she has enough troubles of her own, and yet she's still holding a tight leash over my dad, afraid to let him go. my dad? i think he used to have a mistress. they were all that. i hope they have broken up. i want to believe that my dad has changed for the better. i want to have faith in them. i will believe that they are still together and won't divorce. everything is alright, they will be together. they wont go. it's the same for her, i don't want her to go. i don't want her to go at all. i want my ahma to be by my side forever and never forget me. We'll watch the stars together with my ahgong and we won't worry about anything. why can't fate just grant me this simple wish, why much disease come snatch her away from under my nose.
i love her so much that it hurts when she doesn't seem to recognise me anymore. and yet i still have to fake that happy smile, because i am with her. this might be the last time that i'm with her. so i must be happy. i will be happy because i have seen her, she have touched me. and we'll be watching the stars together in my heart even though she might be gone from this earth. i'll be there for my ahgong too. i won't give up. i will be strong for them. then again, do i have the strength to acknowledge that she doesn't recognise me anymore.. life, death, playing, toying with this pinky.
all i wanted to do is study hard for eoys and get good grades so that my parents would know that i tried hard for them. for myself. but look at me now, how can i study? how can i even concentrate? I've always thought myself to be somewhat clever, but now i'm failing so many things and i just can't seem to pass anything. i can't think. it's just dunno. AND i feel so selfish, it's like everything is about me. who cares about me anyway. i know that some people do. i feel so selfish. =( maybe i should rethink and i dunno.
i wont do anything stupid.
i'm not even sure if my friendship is okay. it's wavering and unstable.
people who i used to think were my friends are slowly leaving. do you think she even cared that i cried, do you think she even cared why i haven't been myself these few days? do you think she even knew. do you think she will even read this? and here i was thinking that we would be friends for ever and ever. now where is she? probably happily sitting with her new friend talking about their precious lives that involve only each other. does she even think about me now? =( i thank God for giving me support in this time. i thank Him for giving me friends like hamster, xinyu, brain, xingxuan, zihui, yihui and even sarah.. and tablemates like siwei and jomain. they are the best. they are really the best. even if they aren't the best people, they are still the best friends anyone can ever have. at least they don't leave you or tell you that they wanna go to their new best friend's place. ohwells. who even cares. how about another one who you thought could have went through thick and thin with you? when you went what happened? gone, dead. change. change is the scariest thing that someone can ever go through. i don;t want change ever again. i want to stay like this for ever and ever. and yet it can't be done. while i live in my past, time surges forward and the past is overtaken by the future. present past future. all mixed.
what else? health. my health is failing me. i know it, i know my body and i know it. there's many things i haven't told the doctor or even my mom. i have nothing to say anymore. i believe that fortune teller now. i will die young due to heath problems. i'm just slowly awaiting that cancer to hit me, to take over me.
authority. what does captain mean if you don't have any authority at all. what does captain mean when you can't even talk to the coach. what does captain mean when you can't even throw properly and always seem to disappoint the coach. what good does it do? i rather i was a normal person. maybe i should give this tittle to the jr who has so much more authority, leadership and everything that i've always wanted. she has a loving family that never fails to be there for her, a lovely mother who supports her for whatever she does. she has the brains to enter one of the smartest classes and to get better results than i could have ever got. she has everything. she has talent that is discovered once she appeared in front of us. talent that have never gone to waste. what talent do i have? i want a talent too so i can please my family, so i can please the coach. what good will it do to have someone useless on the team. no matter how hard i train, no matter how hard i try i'll never be as good as her. it hurts to see someone have everything you've always wanted. NYSC, everything. everything under the sun that she got i want. i'm so jealous that it hurts so much. im a greedy and selfish person. and yet all i can do is be happy for her and dream of the day i can be like her. i will fly one day.
i wanted to do something but because all those promises, i seem to loose the motivation to do even that. what am i good for? i can't study, i have issues, i don't think i'm even sane, i have no talent.
i wished i could erase the past, maybe then my mom would trust me and love me more. i knew i shouldn't have done all that but how was i supposed to know when i was young and naive. i wasn't innocent at that time. i was corrupted. corrupted enough to be sent up to meet the principal on the 1st week of school. in pri one. i mean woah, no one can beat that man. even though i know that i've changed and won't repeat any of those mistakes again, she doesn't seem to think that way. it's not my fault that i got sucked into those mistakes. it's not my fault that i didn't know better and stuck with them all the way. it's not my fault for thinking that doing that would be so simple. it's not my fault that i got caught. there was a tip off. what could i do? i know you say that you don't remember it anymore. but as i look into your eyes and think about what i see in there, i see remorse and disgust. it's not my fault that you don't believe me to have turned good now. how many times must i tell you, no i won't do that ever again. i won't go and frolic with those friends anymore! ain't i doing very good now? ain't i keeping myself out of trouble long enough for you to believe that i have changed? haven't you thought that if i actually continued in those ways, i'll be wasting my life in a home now? why can't you trust me again? i've changed.
and that incident a few months ago was a freak incident. i didn't mean to let that blade slip and cut so badly and deeply, i only went to you because i had no other choice. you think i like doing that? cutting myself so badly then running towards you for help? you think? why do you think i was driven into this half state of depression in the 1st place? i promise i'm not doing it ever again. i won't. i disgust myself.

someone please take me out of this abyss, i don't think i am meant to be all that. and yet this post is all about me, me, me and more mes. sometimes, all of the time, i disgust myself so much that i feel like throwing up. perhaps i should change.
let me be at peace.
let me trust in you, because you have never forsaken me.
and you've sent people to talk to me.
let me know that you are with me.
through thick and thin.
i'll pray.

我愛你，真得很愛你...

你爲什麽要離開，爲什麽會得到那麽嚴重的病，爲什麽要和親愛的我們告別，爲什麽要走？
你知道嗎？沒有你的生活是那麽的偏僻，殘忍。沒有了你，生活就沒有意義了。你爲了我做出那麽多事，付出時間的代價，但我爲了你做出了什麽？什麽都沒有做。對我的行爲感到慚愧，羞辱。儅你還能快樂地講話時，我沒有打電話和你談天。儅你還能開口勸我時，我偏偏不肯聼。儅你還能買東西給我吃時，我沒有說過一次的謝謝。但，現在已經太晚了。我是多麽想和你談天，想聽到你罵我，勸我，想說一次謝謝。如果能夠做出別的選擇，我一定會。真不忍心看你躺在那裏，一個人默默地忍受癌症給你的痛苦。
人生是脆弱的。

你到天堂時一定要想起我，我會一直地想起你，不會忘記你。
你知道嗎，在我的心裏，你是不會走的，你會一直地存在。

文章是為你而寫的
淚水是為你而流的
情歌是為你而唱的

“你問我愛你有多深
我愛你有幾分
我的情也真
我的愛也真
月亮代表我的心”

希望你能開開心心地離別...
愛你的我永遠都會想起你

奶奶，你還愛我嗎？

Hamster! Wee! Xinyu! Brain! Jomain! Xingxuan! THANKS MAN. haha~

年終考試將來臨，我們只剩下七天。壓力是那麽的大，是那麽的殘忍，都要給我們壓死了。但是我們一定要堅持到底，一定要用心地讀書。只是要堅持多幾天，我們就能夠爽快了。把所有的事情扔下，把所有的情感扔掉，年終考試已過我們就能夠開心了。

（真的可以開心嗎？年終考試后，課外活動又開始了，那酸痛的感覺一定會回來。年終考試后，成績就會出來，那時，“駡”和“打”這兩個字就不陌生了。年終考試后，我們會爽快嗎？）

好想放棄所有的一切。
短短的人生就白白地過去，
殘忍的人命就被上帝奪走，
無知的人類就從世界消失。

been feeling rather terrible lately, dunno why also. it's like everything is falling and failing and that's not all to it. plus every single thing is like going down.

not just for me.
for everyone in 3o5.

just look around, who seems unstressed and happy? barely anyone, even if they seem unstressed, it's because they seem to be able to hide it well.

"so what if we study hard now? when we grow up, we still die. when we die, we will become ashes. all the ashes are the same, it doesn't matter what you were when you were alive. there's no such thing is a good ash, bad ash, rich ash, poor ash, smart ash or stupid ash."

something in me has been hurting rather badly lately, but i don't really know what it is. maybe i should learn how to fall before i say anything to anyone =)
so that no one would worry and i'll be okay. i'm okay.

everyone's just so tired and we can't think anymore. why must they put such a great pressure on us, even kettles would explode under great pressure. we're not made of metal so we're more susceptible to damage due to pressure.. so why pressure us. ohwells. i suppose the pressure is good but pressuring us until even the strongest breaks? no way man.

《够爱》

我穿梭金星 木星 水星 火星 土星 追寻
追寻你 时间滴答滴答滴答答滴身影

指头还残留 你为我 擦的指甲油
没想走 你好像说过 你和我 会不会有以后

世界一直一直变 地球不停的转动
在你的时空 我从未退缩懦弱
当我靠在你耳朵 只想轻轻对你说
我的温柔 只想让你都拥有

我的爱 只能够 让你一个 人独自拥有
我的灵和魂魄 不停守候 在你心门口
我的伤和眼泪 化为乌有 为你而流
藏在 无边无际的小小宇宙 爱你的我

你听见了吗 我为你唱的这首歌
是为了要证明 我为了你 存在的意义

世界一直一直变 地球不停的转动
在你的时空 我从未退缩懦弱
当我靠在你耳朵 只想轻轻对你说
我的温柔 只想让你都拥有

我的爱 只能够 让你一个 人独自拥有
我的灵和魂魄 不停守候 在你心门口
我的伤和眼泪化为乌有 为你而流
藏在 无边无际的小小宇宙 爱你的我

爱你的我 不能停止脉搏 为了爱你奋斗 就请你让我 说出口

i feel like giving up. because i know that at the end of the day, at the end of the many years that will eventually pass, there'll be no one.

even though i know there are actually people now, they all have their own lives and have to go someday. so one day when im cold and hapless, and need someone to talk to, there'll be no one. no one at all.
it's like everyone's got someone close to rely on, to trust.
who am i close to?

i THOUGHT i was close to a few people, in the end there was nothing. it seemed as if i was just using them. it just felt so much like that. so after distancing myself there's actually no one left. everyone have who they want or many other people have people they actually desire to be with. never once have i seen a person so desperately wanting to be best friends with another person. i wonder who my best friends are.

some people might not seem as if they have good friends in the class or even the school. but in the end they still have good friends outside of school, maybe even outside of the country. how do they do it? i want a good friend whom i can spill all my problems to too. i've been trying to tell 3 people about them, but they just i dunno. lets just say they have problems of their own. it's as if they feel they are obliged to help someone in need or something. right, someone in need so that's all i am to them.
they have their friends so why should i deprive them of this chance to be with the one they always wanted to be with?

maybe after the eoys i'll try to be human.
it's like everything is failing.
bloody, everything is SO SCREWED. why must all that stuff happen to people near me or even on myself? why can't it like not happen.

who even cares that i'm having problems. who even cares that i sometimes go through shit? if my parents don't care why should the others?

i was never important to anyone so why start now?

this is my past, present and future so i better start getting used to it. im such a useless pig. and please don't say that these types of thoughts are the reason why i think my life is like that. and don't say that i should try to think positively. a human has times like this.

if dying was easy i would have disappeared from this earth a long time ago.

everything seems so mundane and hollow that i'm not even bothering to give it another shot. why try when you don't succeed?

perhaps i should just study like some idiot and become an ultra mugger nerd.
anyway i'm ALWAYS second choice.

im straight. she knows it too









3- yihui
4- siewying TEEHEE AGAIN! AGAIN!
5- otouto
6- mommy~ becca
7- brenda
8- sean earthwormie
9- soggae!
10- szemin

no one currently waha


er.

BIOLOGY WAHAHAH
"no im not a nerd" cry of protest from her



YA 3 okay? 1 brother and 2 sisters








HAHA YOU CAN SAY THAT.

they could be best friends!

"Pinky darling, will you be Daddy's lifeboat?"

my daddy has been telling me about his problems recently. not sure if it's because of the fact that he has became more stressed recently or if he treats me as his personal adviser..
haha feeling quite weird that he would actually tell me about his problems. it's like sometimes i feel that he wants me to be his lifeboat when mommy decides to forsake him and stuff like that.
at that period of time, as in when he actually tells me about his problems, i'll be at a loss not knowing what to do or what to say. what can one kid understand about adult problems? what can one kid do to help an adult?
but i'll try.

"Daddy, i wont be your lifeboat, i'll be your ship."

i just introduced ナイトメア to ms lee shan2, xinyu and yanghan.

all three of them had vastly different reactions.

i happily stuck yomi's face on my display picture on msn. ms lee saw him and asked who was he so i send her arumina/alumina. she was telling me about her stopover at JAPAN. i was so jealous. haha then ms lee said that YOMI's voice was OKAY. and that the music was too LOUD, thus making yomi's voice inaudible.
i was DEVASTATED. haha

xinyu saw my extensive list of ナイトメア songs today and she agreed with my sister that i was crazy HAHA. then i let her listen to.. hmm jibun no hana i think. haha and she said his voice was ALRIGHT.
i almost cried

i was trying to convince yanghan that YOMI is cute. in the end i gave up so i sent her a picture of the whole group and alumina HAHA. i always send that song to others coz i consider that as one of the more popular songs that ナイトメア has came up with.
and i also recommended her to watch the WORLD from youtube.
in the end, she was convinced that ナイトメア rawks.
BUT she ended up liking..
HITSUGI. haha so not expected. but he's alright.


i shall blog about their heights. i am so shocked.
yay the amazing shortness of yomi.
at least hitsugi wears platform shoes.

yomi: 155cm
hitsugi: 164cm
sakito: 172cm
ni~ya: 177cm
ruka: 183cm

ohman NIGHTMARE IS GOING TO HAVE 2 NEW SINGLES VERY SOON!

KONOHA - october 3rd
and
DIRTY - nov 7th

while counting down for their 2 singles i inevitably count down for my EOYS too!
JIAYOU ME.

and look at this.

don't bou who used to be from antic cafe look like a girl?